Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Jackson is a slacker

So last week I had another episode. I hate that they are becoming more frequent, but I am thankful that they aren't lasting as long as they have in the past.
So, I titled this post "Jackson is a slacker" for two reasons. The first one is that during my episode I tried to get him to write a blog post on here talking it about it from his point of view (like I did with my "...Anxiety Attack" post); he said he would do it later, but it's been almost a week and he still hasn't done it yet. Now that I'm typing this out I can't remember the second reason. Maybe I combined it into one reason. Oh well. I'm glad that he chose to focus on me during my episode, even if I wasn't.
When I try to recall an episode, there are some things that I can remember, but things are fuzzy and sometimes out of order.
Here is a run down of my last episode (the "Cliff Notes" version)

  1. One of my teenagers got into an argument with Jackson. He had got caught in a lie and wasn't fessing up. Jackson is the most level headed person I have met so he usually takes the brunt of the attitude from the boys when they go Full Diva. In lieu of taking an Ativan for my nerves, I laid down on the bed and covered my head with a pillow. 
  2. Once the argument was over, Jackson asked me if I was okay, and I gave him a thumbs up while still hiding my head. He said something after that, I can't remember what, I flipped him off. 
  3. A few minutes later, while still hiding my head, my episode began.
  4. Head is still under the pillow. The right side of my mouth starts twitching. 
  5. Jackson talks to me and doesn't get a response. Tries a couple of more times. No success. He goes into "nurse mode": bedroom door closed so the kids don't know what is going on, the overhead light on so he can see me better, and a pulse check.
  6. I don't know how but the next thing I know is that I am laying on my back (I was on my stomach/side when I had my head under a pillow).
  7. I am "rebooting". The eyes are the first thing to come back "on line". I can blink once for Yes and twice for No. Soon I can mover my eyes back and forth as a way to "point" to things I want/need. 
  8. My mouth is still twitching.
  9. My hands are the next thing to come "on line". I am able to faintly move my fingers even though I am trying really hard. My feet are useless and motionless. So little shown after so much effort; frustrating. 
  10. I try to talk. I try. I like to talk.. I am a very talkative person. Being unable to talk frustrates me. My mouth is still twitching. I must have look deranged as one side of my mouth twitched as I was trying to move the rest of it to try to talk. No success.
  11. My lips and mouth are soooooo dry. I can't drink. I'm laying in the bed. Oh, ice chips! Yes, that is perfect! After a combination of "pointing" my eyes to the hallway and blinking Yes and No, Jackson returns with my beloved ice chips. I can part my lips a little and the cold and wet ice is heavenly. 
  12. My mouth is still twitching. I can huff in frustration. I communicate with "eye pointing" and blinking that I want Jackson so get my tablet (he grabbed my phone instead which was good enough). After some Q & A, he understands that I want him to open my Blogger app and document my episode from his point of view, as it is happening. He says that he will do it later and that it is more important to take care of me. I huff and roll my eyes; this isn't our first time with this kind of episode, and sadly, I don't think it will be our last. 
  13. Somehow I get him to kiss me. I can't remember how. He knows I am a sucker for kisses and that I would love to make out like teenagers if he would let me have my way. I get several kisses, you know, like the ones you give each other before heading off to work. 
Now comes the part that I am unsure about posting.

Okay, I warn you that the following may be TMI to many of you. If you hated 50 Shades of Grey, then you should probably just skip the next part. It's not THAT racy, but, spoiler alert, we end up having sex. I feel okay talking about this since I do have a "mature content" warning on my blog.

  1. I'm not sure how it happens, but as Jackson is leaning over me to reach for something, his groin brushes against my arm. A shiver runs through my body. **Side note: I have the sex drive of a teenage boy, so Jackson knows that I am always up for some booty."**
  2. This happens a few more times, and my body has decided that it's had enough. My body is craving him. My mind is craving him. My mind and body are in agreement! The reboot is complete!
  3. My breath quickens and my body starts to writhe in it's need for physical satisfaction. I want him and I want him now. 
  4. He tells me that he feels bad about it, like he is taking advantage of a disabled person. For about 30 seconds I feel helpless and hurt at sort of being called disabled, but I do understand where he is coming from. I can't tell him that I want him but my hips are going insane as my body tries to coax him into the bed.
  5. Success! It is amazing what an orgasm will do for you. I was talking just fine afterwards; walking, well, not so much. Did you know that orgasms can cure the hiccups? It's true, trust me.
  6. I'm tired. Episodes always wear me out. The sex wore me out as well. I stay awake for a little while and finally go to sleep under Jackson's watchful eye. He is not a stalker or a creeper, he just waits until I'm good and asleep before he falls prey to his exhaustion. 
 So yeah, that's what happened.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Let's walk through an anxiety attack

Okay, so it's 11:38pm. I'm getting ready to get off of the cimputer for the night and BAM! Out of nowhere my anxiety rises. Like from 2 to 9 in 2 seconds! It's not the kids, they are asleep. Jackson is on his laptop in the bedroom working on stuff for work. I have been in the quiet living room, by myself, for about an hour and a half.
As I type this I can feel my anxierty barely start to subside. The amount of speeling errors as I write this are atosious, but I will revise this once I'm done (yay for spellcheck!). Now that I think about it, maybe I won't spell check it. I just post it, as is, raw and full of anxiety.
It's 11:43pm. it's been 5 minutes already. I'm done to an 8. This is on a 1 to 10 scale, by the way. everythng is 1 to 10. makes it easier.
Today. Hwo was today? Um. Boring, as usual. just the way I like it. Jackson stayed home sick today (nothing contagious, woohoo!), so aside from running an errrand to the school,  we had a nice lazy day while he worked on his laptop and I played on the computer.
It's 11:45. I'm now at a 6. No 7. No, 6 1/2.
I hate when this happens. I really hate it when I have no damn idea why my anxiety gets high like this, especaiily for no damn reason. I was shutting down everything so I could go to bed! Deep breath. Fine. I will look at the upside. I'm done to a 5. Once I level out I will most likely be super tired, so going to bed for he night is definietely better than having to take a nap during the day. Side not: I am sooooo thankful my kids are old enough for me to take emergency naps during the day.
It's 11:49. it has been 11 minutes, and I'm still at a 5. I'm still sitting at the computer. I know better. I've hit the floor a couple of times during a panic/anxiety attack, and don't want to do that again. My hubby may be my Superman, but picking me up is hard to do, especailly when I'm deadweight.
Today aws a good day. I only got a little bit of attitude from my oldest son during homework, ansd that was it. The middle one is on a new medicine (well, it's more of a "booster" med during the day), and so far so good. The little one is on a new med, and it's not going so well. He is one of those examples of a late bloomer. So smart and ahead on a lot of things, but a late bloomer for other stuff. He'll be my little one for a little longer, but mn, it's going to be like ripping off a bandage when he hits puberyty.
It's 11:55. I'm at a 4. I can hear one of the cats moving the water bowl around the kitchen floor. Weirdo. I can here the slow rythym of the ceiling fan in the living room. I can fainlty hear the TV in the bedroom.
It's 11:57pm. I'm down to a 2. I am sleepy. I am going to send Jackson a text (yes, acorss the house) so he can walk me back to the bedroom so I don't fall or faint.
This was an axiety attack. 19 minutes. It's over.

I'm choosing to skip Spellcheck. I can see many little red squiggly lines showing my spelling errors. It's okay. I am human. I am here. Thank you for helping me get through this anxiety attack. If you ever have one, the best thing I can suggest is to sit, focus on your breathing, and once your breathing is under control, start to think of the positive things from the day.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Anxiety attacks

Sadly, some day to day stresses will trigger my Conversion Disorder. The biggest red flag is my speech. When I start stuttering and having trouble finding the right words an Ativan magically appears. Bless Jackson's heart (it's a Southern phrase), I know he means well and is trying to prevent an episode. Sometimes I recognize my anxiety and try to remove myself from the situation (usually going to my bedroom to lay down in the dark with the door shut). If my anxiety still feels elevated after a few minutes I will reach for the Ativan. I am not sure if it is supposed to or not, but it dissolves in my mouth which works for me since it gets into my system quicker and doesn't taste horrible. The Spa station on Pandora paired with some headphones helps as well.
I have been actively dealing with Anxiety for 6 years. Taking an Ativan used to mean I would end up taking a nap within 30 minutes. Over the years my body has started to tolerate it, so when I take it I don't always need to nap it off. When I take one I don't drive afterwards.
I have become a bit of a "shut in" over the past year, but I still try to run errands and drive myself to doctor appointments. Two of my most recent appointments (different doctors) had to be missed since each day I woke up with such a bad migraine that I couldn't drive. Sigh. Frustrating.
We are now going to go back to Jackson driving me to my appointments. The "missed appointment" fees are ridiculous.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The First Step

Deep breath in. Hold. Exhale. Repeat.


Here it is. This is the first step. I offer myself to the interwebs. I come here baring my soul and my mind. Why? I have a great support system so I am offering this blog as a chance for other moms suffering with Conversion Disorder to see that they are not alone.

Conversion Disorder sucks. I know that it doesn't suck as much as other diseases and disorders (I'm looking at you Cancer and AIDS), but it still does suck.

For me, Conversion Disorder makes me nervous. I've had it for years, and as the years have passed my "episodes" have become more frequent. When my stress or anxiety get too high, my mind decides that I need a "reboot" and shuts me down. No, I don't mean that my mind shuts down my organs. My mind MAKES me calm down. The way my body handles Conversion Disorder is odd. The first time it happened was after a concussion; I was conscious, but couldn't give the hospital staff my info; I didn't forget it, I was giving them my husband's info. We didn't know about Conversion Order at that time. Years later, it happened again. This time was scarier since I had three kids. My husband and I were bickering over something trivial and I went to sit on the couch. I zoned out. I didn't mean to. I couldn't move, talk, respond, anything. I was a mannequin. Off to the doctor we went. The ER ran down different theories: stroke, drug overdose, aneurysm, and "faking it". I am not kidding you when I compare it to a computer reboot. As the hours went by I was able to become more "alert" and "responsive". My communication was a bit out of whack. When I was able to use words, they weren't the right ones. It was beyond frustrating, not only for my family, but for myself. The best way I can explain it is the way I explained it to my youngest son: "it's like being trapped in a glass box. You know what is going on (for the most part) and you can't communicate with the outside". After a few hours, I am pretty much back to normal, just super tired.

Twice I have fainted. Having EMS pick you up off the floor in front of your kids is scary.

The last two "episodes" have been minor. No fainting. We skipped the hospital. We've done this enough times. Check vital signs, ensure a comfortable position, and sleep. That's it. We can do that at home and save a whole hell of a lot of time, hassle, unnecessary bloodwork, and money. Jackson is quite possibly the best (and cutest) male nurse I could ever ask for.

My teenagers know the drill. They are still a little scared when it happens, but they know what to expect. I stay at home A LOT, but I wear a medical alert bracelet just in case.

I've been home A LOT over the past year or two. Depression plays a big part in it. My Conversion Disorder episodes have become more frequent so I think that I may have an underlying fear of having an episode in public. Alone. Driving.

I cannot let this fear control me. Each day I fight. Each day I take my meds. Each day I try to do at least one productive thing. Today, this is the one productive thing.